Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Does Pain Equal Intimacy?

I used to think so. To some extent, I still do, but I think that maybe my paradigm has shifted slightly. I think that in my my distorted view of things, being able to share my physical pains with others was my attempt to expose my own vulnerability while still holding on to the illusion of my own invincibility. It was an attempt to say, "Hey, I'm just as fucked up emotionally as you are" while still being a hardass. I was chasing that emotional intimacy through the exposure of my physical pain, but it was an invitation to that intimacy without actually having to become intimate with someone. Clearly, this hasn't worked out very well for me.

I would do the same with fear. It has always been more comfortable for me to expose my fears in physical manifestations (skydiving, driving too fast, getting drunker/more fucked up than anyone else in the room). Those sorts of things have always been easy for me. Put on a parachute. Walk to the door. Jump. Grow wings on the way down. Simple. Everyone is afraid in that situation. It is a very comforting sort of fear because of that (just for the record, I am still planning to get a skydiving license, CM).

But physical pain and fear are easy. They can be found without really looking or trying. They are fleeting compared to what you can feel emotionally.

What is truly frightening to me is standing completely naked with someone. But that can't be forced. It takes time. It takes trust. And I am starting to believe that it takes a lack of sex, for a while at least. Of course, I am obviously speaking of romantic relationships, but I am starting to believe that before we have THAT sort of physical intimacy, the emotional intimacy has to be in place. In order to BE naked with someone, you have to STAND naked with them first. That's fucking difficult, for me, anyway.

I kind of had this song on the brain while I was writing this post. I've liked this song for a long time and I think that the sentiment is great, but it seems to me like it would be better to stand naked regardless of whether someone is going to stand naked with you. Details, I guess. It's just a song.

One last thing that I have to lay out there. This has been a purely intellectual exercise for me so far (as far as I can tell, anyway). Furthermore, I have exactly zero idea of how I am going to get this out of my head and into my heart. On some level, I think that this blog is helping me to do that, but I also think that I will actually have to go out and have a relationship with a real, live human being and actually allow myself to be vulnerable within the context of it.

Peace and love,

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