Thursday, December 15, 2011

The Value of Vulnerability

I kind of feel like this post has been a long time coming. I have started a few other posts, hated them, then scrapped them for being fraudulent. I think I even posted one or two that were fraudulent. I apologize. I am afraid of my own vulnerability.

A dear friend and teacher of mine brought to my attention today that I need to find the space within me that is vulnerable. This isn't necessarily news to me, as I have huge difficulties with allowing myself to cry.

For example, my yoga teacher training came to a close on Sunday. We made up a class on Saturday that would be taught in different sections by different people on Sunday. I got to go last. I felt responsible to end the three months with something inspiring, yet still weird. So I decided that I would read the last page of Hell's Angels by Hunter S. Thompson and then follow it with some kind words about what these people meant to me. I got through the reading without a problem. But when it came time for me to be a real human being with feelings, I totally bitched out. I fucking punted. Thinking about it actually makes me want to vomit a little bit. As soon as I got to the end of the reading, I started getting choked up. I felt the tears welling up. And just like the tough guy that I am, I swallowed them along with whatever emotions may have brought them to light. What would people say if they saw me crying?! I will tell you what they would have said. They would have hugged me and given me reassuring words and told me that they felt similar things to what I was currently feeling. But instead, my emotional constipation continues.

I can look back on the situation intellectually and know that I would be far better off if I had just let it all out. Hindsight is 20/20. I can even make the decision that I will never hold back my feelings again. Unfortunately, vulnerability is not at all an intellectual matter. It is a matter of the heart and not of the mind. And so, I have found where my path will take me next. I have to teach my brain to shut up enough to let my heart be vulnerable, to let myself get hurt from an emotional standpoint. And even more importantly, to let myself heal from an emotional standpoint.

In the past I would have just started asking what I needed to do to be vulnerable and then acted that way. But I can't do that anymore. I have gotten to a point where I have to find authentic vulnerability because the fake shit makes me sick. The thing that gets me is that this process is going to be a slow one. Any of you that know me have the understanding that I am a rip-off-the-band-aid, give-me-a-parachute-and-kick-me-off-the-plane-I-will-grow-my-wings-on-the-way-down sort of a guy. Unfortunately, again, authentic vulnerability isn't covered by band-aids or found by growing wings. I'm not even the least bit sure where to start looking for it. I do know this much, though, it's going to be a hell of a ride finding it. You are all welcome to join me. I may need a shoulder to cry on somewhere along the way.

Peace and love,
Rich

4 comments:

  1. Hi Rich...posting this is a vulnerable act, so I'd say you're well on your way. Good for you. I've written about this a lot. You may find this one interesting: http://matadornetwork.com/bnt/the-art-of-practicing-vulnerability/

    All the best in your journey!
    Carlo

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  2. Carlo, thanks so much for reading. I love your link!

    Rich

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  3. hey Rich, I agree that it does show a degree of vulnerability just to write this. Baby steps... Many men I know who realize they don't like to be vulnerable and show emotions also do NOT want to change it. They want to be left alone in the shallow end. I'm glad you want to dive deeper, it's where the scary dark things are but also the most amazing creatures (and emotions and experiences!) are in the deep. The first step is to realize you want to explore, and do it in the company of those you trust. Good luck! - Catnip

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  4. Catnip, thanks for reading. This was definitely a baby step for me. I have been saying for a while that the experience of fear is one of my favorites. The thing about that is I have almost always avoided emotionality and vulnerability because of it. Like you said, though, baby steps.

    Rich

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